"Design patterns are all just flashy gimmicks."

Author：Chuan Chen 阅读数：34690人阅读分类：前端综合

Design patterns? That stuff is just for people who enjoy complicating simple problems, right? Real badasses never use singletons or observers. Code should be written like a maze, leaving later developers standing by your desk with a coffee cup, speechless—only then does it live up to the title of "Senior Engineer"!

If-else-Oriented Programming is the True Way

Why use the strategy pattern when you can nest twenty layers of if-else? Check out this mind-blowing login validation:

function validateLogin(input) {  
  if (input.username) {  
    if (input.username.length > 3) {  
      if (input.password) {  
        if (input.password.length > 6) {  
          if (/[A-Z]/.test(input.password)) {  
            if (/[0-9]/.test(input.password)) {  
              return true;  
            } else {  
              throw new Error('Password must contain a number');  
            }  
          } else {  
            throw new Error('Password must contain an uppercase letter');  
          }  
        } else {  
          throw new Error('Password too short');  
        }  
      } else {  
        throw new Error('Password required');  
      }  
    } else {  
      throw new Error('Username too short');  
    }  
  } else {  
    throw new Error('Username required');  
  }  
}

See? This code is like an onion—peeling back each layer brings tears. Maintainers need a magnifying glass to count brackets, halving their efficiency. Perfectly embodies the essence of "defensive programming."

Global Variables Are the Best State Management

Redux? Vuex? Child's play! Real state management looks like this:

// In a.js  
window.currentUser = { name: 'John' };  

// In b.js  
function showUser() {  
  console.log(window.currentUser?.name || 'Unknown user');  
}  

// In c.js  
function updateUser() {  
  setTimeout(() => {  
    window.currentUser = null;  
  }, 5000);  
}

The beauty of this approach:

Impossible to trace state changes
Race conditions can appear anytime
Tests must run in a specific order
Team collaboration feels like Russian roulette

Callback Hell Is Programming Art

Promises? async/await? Too basic! Behold this callback-driven user flow:

function userFlow() {  
  login('user', 'pass', (err, token) => {  
    if (err) return console.error(err);  
      
    getProfile(token, (err, profile) => {  
      if (err) return console.error(err);  
        
      getOrders(profile.id, (err, orders) => {  
        if (err) return console.error(err);  
          
        renderOrders(orders, (err) => {  
          if (err) return console.error(err);  
            
          trackAnalytics('orders_viewed', (err) => {  
            // Nesting can go on forever...  
          });  
        });  
      });  
    });  
  });  
}

This pyramid structure:

Repeats error handling N times
Risks missing error branches
Requires restructuring to add steps
Demands horizontal scrolling to read

Ultra-Long Functions Showcase Skill

Writing an entire module's logic in one function is the mark of a true pro:

function handleUserAction() {  
  // Validation (50 lines)  
  if (...) {...} else if (...) {...} ...  
    
  // Data processing (80 lines)  
  const processed = rawData.map(...).filter(...).reduce(...);  
    
  // DOM manipulation (120 lines)  
  document.querySelectorAll(...).forEach(...);  
    
  // Async requests (60 lines)  
  fetch(...).then(...).catch(...);  
    
  // Animations (40 lines)  
  anime(...);  
    
  // Analytics (30 lines)  
  _mt.push(...);  
    
  // Error handling (scattered throughout)  
}

Features:

Easily surpasses 500 lines
Contains 10+ responsibilities
Small changes may trigger chaos
Fear of deleting "just in case" code

Magic Numbers and Hardcoding

Why use constants or configs? Hardcoding is hardcore:

function calculateDiscount(price) {  
  return price * 0.88 - 10; // Double 11 discount logic  
}  

setTimeout(checkStatus, 3600000); // Check every hour  

const MAX_RETRIES = 3; // Nah, too clean. Just:  
for (let i = 0; i < 3; i++) { ... }

Benefits:

Business logic fused with magic numbers
Requires full-text search to update
Same numbers may differ across files
New hires will never guess what 0.88 means

Mixing Code Styles

Showcase multilingual skills in one file:

// American style  
function getFirstItem(arr) {  
  return arr[0];  
}  

// Sudden Japanese shift  
const 最後の要素取得 = (配列) => 配列[配列.length - 1];  

// Russian flavor  
const poluchitDlinuMassiva = function(m) {  
  return m.length;  
};  

// Chinese特色  
function 转换日期(日期对象) {  
  return `${日期对象.getFullYear()}年`;  
}

This approach:

Makes code reviews entertaining
Forces teammates to install IMEs
Creates Git blame surprises
Shows cultural inclusivity

Never Write Comments

Code should be a riddle:

function processData(d) {  
  const t = Date.now();  
  let r = [];  
    
  for (let i = 0; i < d.length; i++) {  
    if (d[i].x && !d[i].y) {  
      r.push({ ...d[i], z: t });  
    }  
  }  
    
  return r.sort((a, b) => a.z - b.z).slice(0, 5);  
}

Mysteries:

What are x, y, z?
Why timestamp t?
Why top 5?
Feels like a fragmented logic piece

Random Abstraction Levels

Mix abstraction layers in one file:

// High-level  
function checkoutShoppingCart() {  
  validateCart();  
  processPayment();  
  createOrder();  
}  

// Sudden byte-level ops  
function processPayment() {  
  // ...  
  const crc = calculateCRC32(payload);  
  const buf = new ArrayBuffer(8);  
  new DataView(buf).setFloat64(0, amount, true);  
  // ...  
}  

// Back to business logic  
function validateCart() {  
  if (cart.items.length === 0) {  
    throw new Error('Cart is empty');  
  }  
}

Creates cognitive whiplash, forcing readers to jump between macro and micro views.

Circular Dependency Art

Design elegant circular references:

a.js → requires b.js  
b.js → requires c.js  
c.js → requires a.js

Implementation:

// a.js  
import { b } from './b';  
export const a = () => b() + 1;  

// b.js  
import { c } from './c';  
export const b = () => c() * 2;  

// c.js  
import { a } from './a';  
export const c = () => a() / 3;

Benefits:

Startup becomes Russian roulette
Webpack generates mystical graphs
Testing requires manual mocking
Perfect for "chicken or egg" debates

Ignore All Type Hints

Embrace any in TypeScript:

function mergeData(source: any, target: any): any {  
  return { ...source, ...target, timestamp: Date.now() };  
}  

const result = mergeData(1, 'hello'); // Works flawlessly!

Pro tips:

Use as unknown as T liberally
Key types as string | number | boolean | object
Add [key: string]: any to all interfaces
Declare modules as declare module '*'

Dynamic Feature Overload

Leverage JavaScript's dynamism:

// Modify prototypes at runtime  
Array.prototype.sum = function() {  
  return this.reduce((a, b) => a + b, 0);  
};  

// Surprise with Proxy  
const unpredictable = new Proxy({}, {  
  get(target, prop) {  
    return Math.random() > 0.5 ? Reflect.get(target, prop) : '🤪';  
  }  
});  

// Ad-hoc function overloading  
function magic(...args) {  
  if (args.length === 1 && typeof args[0] === 'string') {  
    return parseFloat(args[0]);  
  } else if (Array.isArray(args[0])) {  
    return args[0].join(',');  
  }  
  return args;  
}

Results:

Static analyzers fail
Type inference is guesswork
Behavior varies by environment
Bugs feel supernatural

Chaotic DOM Manipulation

Ditch virtual DOM for raw operations:

function updateUI() {  
  const div = document.createElement('div');  
  div.id = 'temp-' + Math.random().toString(36).slice(2);  
  div.innerHTML = '<span>New content</span>';  
    
  document.body.appendChild(div);  
    
  setTimeout(() => {  
    if (Math.random() > 0.3) {  
      document.getElementById(div.id)?.remove();  
    }  
  }, 1000);  
}

Traits:

DOM tree becomes quantum
Random IDs hinder selection
Async makes UI unpredictable
Heisenberg uncertainty achieved

Creative Event Management

Invent new event systems:

// Global event bus (using an array)  
window.__eventBus = [];  

function emitEvent(type, data) {  
  window.__eventBus.push({ type, data });  
}  

function onEvent(type, callback) {  
  setInterval(() => {  
    const event = window.__eventBus.find(e => e.type === type);  
    if (event) callback(event.data);  
  }, 100);  
}  

// Usage  
onEvent('login', user => {  
  console.log('User logged in:', user);  
});  

emitEvent('login', { name: 'John' });

Brilliance:

100ms+ listener delay
No unsubscribe mechanism
Infinite memory growth
Polling over pub/sub

Revolutionary CSS Practices

Redefine styling norms:

/* !important cascade art */  
.title {  
  color: red !important;  
}  

.container .title {  
  color: blue; /* Ignored */  
}  

/* Random units */  
.box {  
  width: 100px;  
  height: 5rem;  
  margin: 2vh;  
  padding: 20%;  
}  

/* Inline scripts for dynamic calc */  
<div style="width: calc(Math.random() * 100 + 'px')"></div>  

/* Business logic via animation */  
@keyframes checkLogin {  
  0% { opacity: 0; }  
  50% { background-color: yellow; }  
  100% { opacity: 1; content: 'Login success'; }  
}

Outcomes:

DevTools become useless
Responsive layouts rely on luck
Unique visual bugs
Specificity turns arcane

Anti-Testing Strategies

Make test code worse than production:

describe('User Module', () => {  
  it('Should login', async () => {  
    const res = await fetch('/login', {  
      method: 'POST',  
      body: JSON.stringify({  
        // Hardcoded credentials  
        username: 'test123',  
        password: 'qwerty'  
      })  
    });  
      
    if (res.status !== 200) {  
      console.log('Note: Test env might be misconfigured!');  
      return; // Not a fail, just skipping  
    }  
      
    expect(await res.json()).to.have.property('token');  
  });  
    
  // Depends on previous test's side effects  
  it('Should fetch profile', () => {  
    const token = window.__testToken; // Global token  
    // ...  
  });  
});

This suite:

Requires specific execution order
Depends on external services
Has hidden skip logic
Tests are implicitly coupled
Random CI failures

Chaotic Config Files

Turn configs into puzzles:

{  
  "env": "prod",  
  "debug": true,  
  "api": {  
    "endpoint": "${API_ENDPOINT || 'http://localhost:4000'}",  
    "retry": "3"  
  },  
  "features": {  
    "newCheckout": false,  
    "legacyLogin": "auto"  
  },  
  "constants": {  
    "TIMEOUT": 5000,  
    "MAX_ITEMS": "20"  
  }  
}

Highlights:

Mixed booleans, strings, numbers
Environment vars + hardcodes
Critical numbers as strings
Magic values like "auto"
Runtime evaluation required

Package Management Anarchy

Turn package.json into postmodern art:

{  
  "name": "production-app",  
  "version": "0.0.1-beta.3-alpha.5",  
  "scripts": {  
    "start": "node server.js & webpack --watch",  
    "build": "npm run clean && webpack && npm run copy-assets",  
    "clean": "rm -rf dist/*",  
    "copy-assets": "cp -R assets/* dist/",  
    "deploy": "npm run build && ./deploy.sh"  
  },  
  "dependencies": {  
    "react": "^16.8.0 || ^17.0.0",  
    "lodash": "*",  
    "moment": "2.29.1",  
    "jquery": "git+https://github.com/jquery/jquery.git#main"  
  },  
  "devDependencies": {  
    "webpack": "4.46.0",  
    "typescript": "~3.9.0",  
    "eslint": "latest"  
  }  
}

Genius:

Version ranges span majors
Direct Git main branch dependency
Dangerous * versions
Mixed ^ and ~
Dynamic "latest" versions
Hidden parallel tasks in scripts

Environment-Sensitive God Constants

Smart constants that know where they run:

const Config = {  
  API_URL: window.location.hostname === 'localhost'  
    ? 'http://test.api.com'  
    : 'https://' + window.location.hostname + '/api',  
      
  LOG_LEVEL: process.env.NODE_ENV === 'development'  
    ? 'debug'  
    : ['staging', 'preprod'].includes(process.env.REACT_APP_ENV)  
      ? 'warn'  
      : 'error',  
        
  FEATURE_FLAGS: (() => {  
    const flags = new URLSearchParams(window.location.search).get('flags');  
    return flags ? flags.split(',') : ['old_checkout', 'legacy_auth'];  
  })()  
};

Traits:

Initialization logic = business logic
Depends on multiple env vars
Contains IIFEs
Deeply nested conditions
Nightmare to mock in tests

Quantum Time Handling

Uncertainty principle in date logic:

function checkExpiration(date) {  
  // Ignore timezones deliberately  
  const now = new Date();  
  const exp = new Date(date);  
    
  return now.getTime() > exp.getTime();  
}  

function formatDate(d) {  
  // Randomly switch formats  
  if (Math.random() > 0.5) {  
    return d.toISOString();  
  }  
  return `${d.getMonth()+1}/${d.getDate()}/${d.getFullYear()}`;  
}  

setTimeout(() => {  
  // Critical logic in setTimeout 0  
  initApp();  
}, 0);

Effects:

Timezone bugs appear randomly
Inconsistent date formats
Unpredictable event loop
Daylight savings bugs

Schrödinger's Error Handling

Make error handling itself error-prone:

function fetchData() {  
  try {  
    return axios.get('/api/data').catch(err => {  
      console.log('Silently ignore error');  
      return { data: null };  
    });  
  } catch (e) {  
    // Unreachable (axios errors are Promise rejections)  
    sendErrorToServer(e);  
    throw e;  
  } finally {  
    trackAnalytics('data_fetched'); // Runs always  
  }  
}  

function parseJSON(str) {  
  try {  
    return JSON.parse(str);  
  } catch {  
    return str; // Failed? Return raw string!  
  }  
}

Results:

try/catch is decorative
Swallows critical errors
Blurs success/failure paths
Creates hidden downstream bugs

Chaotic i18n Engineering

Invent "innovative" internationalization:

const i18n = {  
  en: { greeting: 'Hello' },  
  zh: { greeting: '你好' },  
  ja: { greeting: 'こんにちは' },  
  // Other languages "TODO"  
};  

function t(key) {  
  const lang = navigator.language.slice(0, 2);  
  return i18n[lang]?.[key] || i18n.en[key] || key;  
}  

// Usage:  
document.title = t('greeting') + ' - ' + t('app_name'); // Missing key

Flaws: